For the Older, Married Fellows Here

[Vicious]

Was it strainful during your engagement period? I ask because I'm getting stressed the fuck out right now. Basic rundown of the situation:

I'm 22 and my fiance is 23
I work as a Fire Technologist (basically I burn things) and she's graduating soon
We've basically figured out when/where we'd like to have the wedding (This upcoming fall in this small town where her aunt lives)
Aside from that, nothing has been done (we're both very busy at the moment)

All that's fine, here are the problems:

I've been busting my ass paying off my debts, rent, food, and our general entertainment. Basically this means I've only been able to put a few hundred away for the wedding. I don't think we'll be paying for it (her family is very well off as is mine) but I'd still like to know we can if all else fails. You know?

I used to work as a government contractor in New Jersey (where my family is) so her and her friend rented this tiny ass apartment and I helped pay for it from the distance. Then I moved back down here (Virginia) and now we're all cramped up in this tiny 5-600 square foot apartment with 3 people, 2 dogs, a turtle and a chinchilla.

Embarrassing as it is, I must confess that we've gone from our normal sex life (3-5 times a week) to a horrid excuse for one (1-2 a month). I will admit, it's very frustrating for me because it's one of those time scheduling things (as well as a lack of a private room in our current apartment). I hope this will come to an end once we have a door we can close and lock (end of this month). Still, was this something that happened to any of you in your pre-wedding state?

All of the chores around the house were once dibbied up between the 3 of us. Now it seems that the girls don't feel like doing any of them and pretty much expect me to do it. What the fuck can I do to end that shit?

Any warnings you want to give someone soon to be married? lol

[Tyrant]

It only gets worse yo.

[Credge]

Originally Posted by Vicious

All of the chores around the house were once dibbied up between the 3 of us. Now it seems that the girls don't feel like doing any of them and pretty much expect me to do it. What the fuck can I do to end that shit?

Start the bitch slaps.

[Rider_55]

Not to scare the OP but

Originally Posted by Tyrant

It only gets worse yo.

QFMFT!

[Tyrant]

Originally Posted by Rider_55

Not to scare you but QFMFT!

WHAT

[feed me a stray kitten]

cheat.

[Vicious]

Originally Posted by Credge

Start the bitch slaps.

lol if only Crim... if only.

[Innoc]

Couple of things Vicious...

Time and stress are both huge factors in having a sex life. Women (normal...) need to feel that connection to have sex...guys usually just need a place. If you want to try to see your sex life improve then you need to set time aside to romance each other...date time/nights. The pre-wedding stuff is stressful...period...no way around that. Money stress is just one more stress source to pile on top. And you need that right? But, in the midst of it, you have to be able to carve out a place for the two of you. Without that you're unlikely to see much (if any) change.

On the chores around the house...have you two talked about it? Honestly, that's something you should be able to resolve by talking. If you can't talk about it and resolve it fairly...then it may very well be a REALLY bad sign that you should not ignore.

The sex life and chores may, in fact, be related. One thing is certain...the only person that can clear this up for you is wearing your ring...get busy!

[Vicious]

Originally Posted by Innoc

Couple of things Vicious...

Time and stress are both huge factors in having a sex life. Women (normal...) need to feel that connection to have sex...guys usually just need a place. If you want to try to see your sex life improve then you need to set time aside to romance each other...date time/nights. The pre-wedding stuff is stressful...period...no way around that. Money stress is just one more stress source to pile on top. And you need that right? But, in the midst of it, you have to be able to carve out a place for the two of you. Without that you're unlikely to see much (if any) change.

On the chores around the house...have you two talked about it? Honestly, that's something you should be able to resolve by talking. If you can't talk about it and resolve it fairly...then it may very well be a REALLY bad sign that you should not ignore.

The sex life and chores may, in fact, be related. One thing is certain...the only person that can clear this up for you is wearing your ring...get busy!

General course of conversation about the chores:

Me: Honey, you really need to do the dishes.
Her: Andrew, I've got so much going on right now with work and school I barely have any time to do them. They're not that bad.
Me: Well, what are you doing right now? (She's more often than not watching tv or reading a book... not a school book)
Her: You know what, I don't want to hear it.

/conversation

[Innoc]

Originally Posted by Vicious

General course of conversation about the chores:

Me: Honey, you really need to do the dishes.
Her: Andrew, I've got so much going on right now with work and school I barely have any time to do them. They're not that bad.
Me: Well, what are you doing right now? (She's more often than not watching tv or reading a book... not a school book)
Her: You know what, I don't want to hear it.

/conversation

Dishes, if you keep on top of them, are a 10 minutes task AT MOST. Smart money says she just doesn't want to do them. If your relationship is going to last you two need to find a way to work together on such things without one of you taking on the role of a parent. For you to say, "Honey, you really need to do the dishes"...well...that sounds like a parent to me. Have you been to any pre-marriage counseling or classes?

[Credge]

Originally Posted by Innoc

Dishes, if you keep on top of them, are a 10 minutes task AT MOST. Smart money says she just doesn't want to do them. If your relationship is going to last you two need to find a way to work together on such things without one of you taking on the role of a parent. For you to say, "Honey, you really need to do the dishes"...well...that sounds like a parent to me. Have you been to any pre-marriage counseling or classes?

At the same time, it is only a 10 minute task. If she's watching T.V. or reading a book then it shouldn't be a problem.

[Vicious]

Originally Posted by Innoc

Dishes, if you keep on top of them, are a 10 minutes task AT MOST. Smart money says she just doesn't want to do them. If your relationship is going to last you two need to find a way to work together on such things without one of you taking on the role of a parent. For you to say, "Honey, you really need to do the dishes"...well...that sounds like a parent to me. Have you been to any pre-marriage counseling or classes?

It might sound stupid, but I don't believe in that kinda crap. I've lived with her for most of our relationship and it's really a recent development with the chores that our roommate is picking up on. I take far less crap from her (obviously) and I'm thinking it probably has something to do with her school coming so close to finally ending.

How would you go about asking someone to do a chore that they've refused to do without sounding like a parent?

[Innoc]

Originally Posted by Vicious

It might sound stupid, but I don't believe in that kinda crap. I've lived with her for most of our relationship and it's really a recent development with the chores that our roommate is picking up on. I take far less crap from her (obviously) and I'm thinking it probably has something to do with her school coming so close to finally ending.

How would you go about asking someone to do a chore that they've refused to do without sounding like a parent?

I don't know that I'd call it stupid but it certainly sounds like someone who's never had to navigate through truly troubled waters in a relationship. You two are at an age where you see personal changes and transition. Honestly, having someone that can teach you problem solving skills and how to talk to each other through such things is invaluable...but we all see things differently.

Honestly, she knows the dishes are there and it's not important to her the way it's important to you. So long as there's disagreement on the importance of the dishes being addressed there's no way to not sound like her parent. Look at it this way...intimacy is down and you're nitpicking about dishes. What's the next thing to annoy you? You're in the throes of changes, stress and things are no longer working as they have in the past. This is one of those things that "can" snowball. So you either do the dishes yourself or figure out how to fix what's gotten sideways on you. To do that you're going to have to figure out how to work together and come together.

[~kev~]

Originally Posted by Vicious

Embarrassing as it is, I must confess that we've gone from our normal sex life (3-5 times a week) to a horrid excuse for one (1-2 a month). I will admit, it's very frustrating for me because it's one of those time scheduling things

You call 3 - 5 times a week normal, and how old are you??? PLEEEAASSEE

I am 40 years old and score on average 14 times a week; once in the morning and again at bed time, every single day - unless she in on her period. If I was only getting it 3 - 5 times a week I would be PI$$ed off. Lack of sex might be eating your brain and destroying your nerves. I suggest at least, at the very freaking least - 10 times a week. Who needs to schedule anything? Bend her over the table right there in the kitchen. Tell that other person to go get a gallon of milk because you need to milk something else.

I totally understand why you are stressed out - its from lack of sex.

Be sure you are doing your fair share around the house. Treat your woman good, help do the dishes and clothes. If she is expected to put out 10 - 14 times a week, you need to make her feel loved.

As for the marriage - dont plan too deep. The more you plan, the more can go wrong.

Besides the marriage - step up the sex life. In a way, I feel sorry for you. You have been misled. 3 - 5 times a week is NOT normal, that is like deprived. Normal is like 10 - 21 times a week, at least 2 - 3 times a day.

You are being deprived and told that is normal, man I feel for you.

[Vicious]

lol nah it's not so much a "she's turning me down" thing as it is a I don't really care that much thing. 3-5 times a week *was* fantastic. I get home from work sometimes and just crash. She gets home from school and work sometimes and just crashes. You also need to take into consideration the fact that we don't have a private room in the apartment we're in. Last year, when she and Laurelin got this apartment, it was just supposed to be temporary and cheap. So we put a bed in the living room and my fiance slept on it. Then I decided to move back down to VA early (got a new job) and now there's 3 people, 2 dogs, 1 turtle, and 1 chinchilla in a 5-600 square foot 1 bedroom apartment.

No privacy.

I have always felt that that's a part of the problem. Fortunately our lease is running up and we move on the 28th to a place twice the size and we'll finally have a room.

Right now we're not in bad living conditions, we're in worse. I talked to her a bit today and apparently that's benefitting me tonight. We'll see what happens.

[~kev~]

Originally Posted by Vicious

No privacy.

I have always felt that that's a part of the problem.

Hey you, yea you on the couch - either leave for a little bit or turn your head, take your pick.

Who needs privacy?

[Johnny Mullet]

My wife and I got married via "Justice of the Peace" or "Courtroom style" and been together for 13 years.

[CatzEyes93]

now from a gals point of view.....

honey... your seeman is backed up and causing undue stress on you. dont worry too much over it right now. Once you are married and have a place of your own with your woman you can feel free to let loose. Letting loose will unclog the seeman thus the stress will decrease.

HOWEVER... I would suggest a chorelist with the women. Tell them that while it may be simply a perception, but that you are starting to feel that all of the house chores are starting to fall onto your shoulders and it is starting to cause resentment... and that you dont want to feel resentment cuz you wub them. But the only way you can think of to make sure everything is dished out fairly is if there was a chorelist that people sign up for.

[Zatoichi]

make a chore list...and do some things yourself(like above and beyond) my wife says that it turns her on when i do a bunch of shit aroudn the house,,,even if im bitching the whole time. she claims that it shows how much i care..wtf ever, lol.

[Dospac]

Dump her. jk heh I'm in the same boat as you dude. My gf is in her last semester, won't do shit around the house. At least she got a job again. =x