ITT We tell Jokes (digest your last meal 1st kthxbye) - Page 6

o_loader · 09-13-2006, 09:09 PM

thats an englishman scots and irsh joke :P

amature

o_|404|innoc-tpf- · 09-13-2006, 09:11 PM

Man the whole US vs Canada thing has NOTHING on your Scots, Brits and Irish...

o_|404|innoc-tpf- · 09-13-2006, 09:14 PM

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

o_loader · 09-13-2006, 09:28 PM

A woman with no arms or legs is stranded on a beach. She sees a man walk past and starts to cry.

The man walks over to her, "What's wrong with you?"

"20 years and I've never been hugged!" replies the lady.

The man, feeling sympathetic, walks over and hugs her.

An hour later, the same man walks passed, the woman is still crying.

"What's wrong now? Are you okay?" asks the man.

"20 years and I've never been kissed!" replies the lady.

The man looks around and, feeling sympathetic, kisses her, tongues and all.

Another hour passes, and the same man walks passed, the woman is STILL crying.

"Now what's wrong?!" asks the man.

"20 years and I've never been fucked" replies the woman.

"Well your fucked now love, the tides coming in."

o_loader · 09-13-2006, 09:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by |404|Innoc-TPF-

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

lol nice one

o_|404|innoc-tpf- · 09-14-2006, 03:59 AM

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

o_|404|innoc-tpf- · 11-07-2006, 04:28 PM

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe".

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

o_ping_chow_chi · 11-07-2006, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skanky Butterpuss

alright, theres a black guy, a white guy, and a mexican guy walking through the desert. they come upon a lamp and give it a rub. a genie comes out and offers to grant each one a wish. the black guy says,
"i wish all of my black brothers and sisters were back in africa, the homeland."
POOF, hes gone. the mexican guy says
"i wish all my mexican brothers and sisters could be back in mexico, the homeland"
POOF, gone. the genie asks the white guy what he wishes for. he says,
"wait, you mean to tell me there arent any blacks or mexicans in america anymore?"
"thats right"
the white guy thinks for a minute. finally he turns to the genie and says,
"ill have a coke"

typically thinking all white people are americans ;p

o_dancingfool · 11-07-2006, 08:54 PM

They'd damn well better be.

6 months ago you started this thread Innoc. It now has 6 pages. In less than 2 days the "Insult the poster above you" thread has 6 pages. Does that say something about us?

o_|404|innoc-tpf- · 12-20-2006, 10:20 PM

Yeah this is an old one but if a couple people smile then reposting was worth it.

Airplane Repairs

Just in case you need a “smile for the day” Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one (reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs).

After every flight, Qantas (Australia's major airline) pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Circuitous · 12-21-2006, 12:34 AM

Okay those are fabulous. Thank you for sharing.

o_|404|innoc-tpf- · 12-21-2006, 06:06 PM

Three drunks are leaving a Christmas Party at a bar when they get hit by a car and die. When they get to heaven St. Peter says "Before I can let you in you must show me something you have that relates to Christmas.
The first drunk pulls out a lighter and lights it. St. Peter says "OK, the lighter represents a candle, you can come in."

The second drunk pulls out a set of keys and starts to jingle them. St. Peter says "Oh, I get it, Jingle Bells! You can go in."

The third drunk pulls out a pair of dirty panties from his coat pocket. St. Peter says "I don't get it? How do they relate to Christmas?"
The drunk says "They're Carol's."

Innoc · 03-10-2007, 10:13 PM

Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one
day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Mick a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right smack in
the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the
kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,
and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table.Now his girlfriend is furious and
her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain. Mick remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

11-07-2006, 08:54 PM	#109
o_dancingfool Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	They'd damn well better be. 6 months ago you started this thread Innoc. It now has 6 pages. In less than 2 days the "Insult the poster above you" thread has 6 pages. Does that say something about us? Last edited by o_dancingfool; 11-07-2006 at 09:03 PM.

12-21-2006, 12:34 AM	#111
Circuitous Useless Retired FF Staff Join Date: Jun 2005 Class/Position: D Soldier, O Scout Gametype: AvD Posts Rated Helpful 9 Times	Okay those are fabulous. Thank you for sharing. __________________ Look at all those dead links.

03-10-2007, 10:13 PM	#113
Innoc Hitman 2 1 Actual Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: "Oscar Mike" Gametype: FPS or RTS (just say NO to MMO) Affiliations: Your Mom Posts Rated Helpful 8 Times	Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Mick a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table.Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Mick remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fcking dishes!" __________________ Mooga on Obama: He can cut taxes. Actually do something useful. Punch Nancy Pelosi in the face. Just to name a few.* You eventually run out of other people's money to spend.

09-13-2006, 09:09 PM	#101
o_loader Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Portsmouth, England Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	thats an englishman scots and irsh joke :P amature

09-13-2006, 09:11 PM	#102
o_\|404\|innoc-tpf- Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: The Midtown Express Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	Man the whole US vs Canada thing has NOTHING on your Scots, Brits and Irish...

09-13-2006, 09:14 PM	#103
o_\|404\|innoc-tpf- Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: The Midtown Express Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

09-13-2006, 09:28 PM	#104
o_loader Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Portsmouth, England Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	A woman with no arms or legs is stranded on a beach. She sees a man walk past and starts to cry. The man walks over to her, "What's wrong with you?" "20 years and I've never been hugged!" replies the lady. The man, feeling sympathetic, walks over and hugs her. An hour later, the same man walks passed, the woman is still crying. "What's wrong now? Are you okay?" asks the man. "20 years and I've never been kissed!" replies the lady. The man looks around and, feeling sympathetic, kisses her, tongues and all. Another hour passes, and the same man walks passed, the woman is STILL crying. "Now what's wrong?!" asks the man. "20 years and I've never been fucked" replies the woman. "Well your fucked now love, the tides coming in."

09-14-2006, 03:59 AM	#106
o_\|404\|innoc-tpf- Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: The Midtown Express Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions. On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

11-07-2006, 04:28 PM	#107
o_\|404\|innoc-tpf- Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: The Midtown Express Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. "Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe". This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... "Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

12-20-2006, 10:20 PM	#110
o_\|404\|innoc-tpf- Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: The Midtown Express Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	Yeah this is an old one but if a couple people smile then reposting was worth it. Airplane Repairs Just in case you need a “smile for the day” Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one (reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs). After every flight, Qantas (Australia's major airline) pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

12-21-2006, 06:06 PM	#112
o_\|404\|innoc-tpf- Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: The Midtown Express Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	Three drunks are leaving a Christmas Party at a bar when they get hit by a car and die. When they get to heaven St. Peter says "Before I can let you in you must show me something you have that relates to Christmas. The first drunk pulls out a lighter and lights it. St. Peter says "OK, the lighter represents a candle, you can come in." The second drunk pulls out a set of keys and starts to jingle them. St. Peter says "Oh, I get it, Jingle Bells! You can go in." The third drunk pulls out a pair of dirty panties from his coat pocket. St. Peter says "I don't get it? How do they relate to Christmas?" The drunk says "They're Carol's."

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)