ITT We tell Jokes (digest your last meal 1st kthxbye)

[o_|404|innoc-tpf-]

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

[o_puppychow]

boy im glad i read this while eating lunch!

[o_|404|innoc-tpf-]

Originally Posted by puppychow

boy im glad i read this while eating lunch!

I edited the thread title just for you man!

[o_puppychow]

well done..if that saves just one lunch - just one, then it was all worth it.


btw, i like reading these, but cant we get a single joke sticky?

[o_frenchtoast]

It's been tried but people seem to object.

[Lost]

Aight, lets que em up then, see how long it lasts.

Here's a few to start us off with.

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

One little girl began, "My father's a farmer and we have lots of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a huge mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket".

"Very good," said the teacher.

Another little girl raised her hand. "Our family are farmers too but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks."

"What's the moral of the story?" the teacher asked.

"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That's a fine story" said the teacher.

A little boy at the back of the class is waving his arm wildly.

"Yes, do you have a story to share with us?"

"Yes Ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Julie. Aunt Julie was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over ememy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machette. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 ememy troops!

She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of ammo. Then she killed 20 more with the machette till the blade broke. And then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands!"

"Good heavens!" exclaimed the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the *#@# away from Aunt Julie when she's been drinking."

[Lost]

In a trial, a Southern Small Town Prosecuting Attorney called his first witness--A Grandmotherly, Elderly Woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the Defense Attorney?"

She again replies, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problm. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire State. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The Defense Attorney almost died.

The Judge asked both Counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you BOTH to jail."

Aaaaannnnnnd...

A blonde lady and a farmer walk into an elevator together. The blonde says to the farmer T-G-I-F. The farmer looks at her and replies S-H-I-T. The blonde lady repeats T-G-I-F. Again the farmer says S-H-I-T. Puzzled the blonde says, "T-G-I-F stands for 'Thanks Goodness It's Friday'" The farmer replies, "I know what it means and S-H-I-T means 'Sorry Honey, It's Thursday'"

[o_frenchtoast]

Oh that last one happens far too often

[Lost]

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by his
attorney.

Going over Ralph's records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it
appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment
income. How do you explain that?"

Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph, "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped.

Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked.

"I don't think so."

"Look, I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk
and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a
drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but he thought there's no
way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket
completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win!

But then he noticed that Ralph's attorney looked ashen and was visibly
shaking.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The attorney replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me
twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about
it!"

[o_frenchtoast]

Nice, nice. That was good.

[o_nezumi]

The Aunt Julie one was awesome.

[o_geokill----->]

All of them where good but I just didn't get the blonde one

[Lost]

I bet you have blonde roots Geo.

[o_geokill----->]

Well I understand it but it didn't make me laugh so I don't get it? huh?

[Lost]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Lost]

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

[Circuitous]

How do you even have sex with a mermaid? Does the tail start at midthigh or something?

[o_frenchtoast]

Hahaha, that's silly...

[o_geokill----->]

lol sex with mermaid?

[Lost]

Oral? Duuuuuh.