(Parrot) End of an Era...

[Ihmhi]

Ladies and gentlemen, today marks the sad day of an 11 year personal legacy of mine. No matter how low I fell, how sick I had managed to get myself, I had this one wonderful thing to be proud of, and now it's gone.

Today I threw up.

Now I know most of you are immediately thinking "Ihmhi has finally fucking snapped, quick, into the bomb shelters!" Anyone who has known me long enough or met me in person knows that the last vestiges of my sanity were swept away by the great unicorn uprising of '99. (They defeated the sugar pixies, but they lost some of their greatest men including King Pointyhead.)

Flashback: I was sick. 12 years old, or so. I had that violent, entire-body-is-moving-like-a-snake kind of vomiting. Stomach acid tickling my uvula, the whole nine yards.

As I sat there drinking a huge cup of water, I thought to myself - I don't want to ever vomit again. I know, childish promise - especially considering the lure of alcohol and various other foods with questionable expiration dates in my future - but I made it anyway.

8 or 9 years later, it hit me. I could feel the tingle in my throat. It was coming any second, and... and... I held it in. By my own will or by the grace of some supernatural force, I held it in. I meditated and calmed myself down, and my mind thought nothing of it.

Then, this morning came. I went to sleep at 3:00AM with a healthy alarm time of 12:00 noon set for myself. I hadn't eaten much the night before, but what the hey. At 7:45AM (Eastern Time, for the curious), I woke up with a really, really bad headache. I came downstairs and took some tylenol. My stomach was also feelin' rumbly, so I knocked back a couple of tums.

I sit down and smoke a cigarette as I watch crappy morning television. Conan O'Brien's last show? Damn it, I wanted to see him before that loveable Irish giant moved to California. Hey, Bob Barker signing the shirts of some fans! (Quote from that interview from Bob: "I wish my name was longer.") I grabbed a portuguese roll and decided to get something in my stomach before going back to sleep.

A few minutes of wonderous peace passed by. Nicotine and acetaminophen coursed throughout my body. Then, a tickle at the back of my throat. "My Stomach doesn't feel so great now, even though I ate," I thought. My insides felt like Jeff Foxworthy trying to teach Margeret Cho how to breakdance. "Is this what I think this could be...?"

No.

Oh no.

Oh no no no no no.

Fight it, Ihmhi. You can hold it in. You can HOLD. IT. IN. Years of training (thanks to alcoholism and many a Chinese buffet) came flooding to the forefront of my mind! Slow your heart rate. Slow your breathing. Calm down.

But it was too late.

Urp.

It started as a burp. An innocent little "hup" kind of sound, like I had just drank some seltzer water.

Blorp.

Now I could feel it coming up. I started walking slowly and calmly to the bathroom.

GLORP.

Now I was holding my hand over my mouth, hopelessly trying to contain this morning's breakfast with my one hand. Fuck calm, I hauled ass to the John. Can I get the toilet seat up? What kind of asshole in a house with three guys in it puts the goddamned seat all the way down? (Oh yeah, I do.) Nope. Next best thing, next best thing... SINK!

*BLARGH*

It wasn't even one of those impressive ones where you're brought to your knees, wishing for relief or death - whichever may come first. No, it was like someone took a roll of cookie doe and squeezed it too hard.

*RAWRGH* *plop*

Oh man, this sucks. This really

*BLURK* *HURRGH*

And in under a minute, it was over. The bathroom sink looked like someone lit a M-80 and shoved it up the Pillsbury Doughboy's ass. There was... something on the mirror. My dad's cup? Well, that shit started empty this morning. Now it had some mix of Tylenol, Tums, and bread in it.

I finally stopped. Here I stand, a man of 23 years, defeated. I looked at myself in the mirror, a single tear streaming down my face. Was it a biological reaction, or was I lamenting my defeat - my broken record - at the hands of my own body? I started cleaning up. As I stood there, bubbles scrubbing away the remnants of my stomach, only one thing occured to me:

So far, I've gone 30 minutes without barfing.

[~kev~]

Boys and girls, let this be a lesson to you - wash your hands before you eat.

Ihmhi, a real friend will let you borrow their finger to help you out.

[Scuzzy]

For those of you who would want to know... If you know you're going to vomit and are fighting it and want it to be over in the best possible way, drink a large glass of very warm water very quickly. 1) It will completely dilute the acid and crap in your stomach so you have less chucks sticking around. 2) You'll vomit almost immediately. It's an old nursing trick, and it works VERY well. Great thing for your kids that you know are suffering with a bad stomach.

Scuzzy

[Skanky Butterpuss]

tl;dr

[Ihmhi]

Originally Posted by Skanky Butterpuss

tl;dr

Summary: I threw up and wrote a short story about it.

See, Mr. Gaylord? I'm applying those creative writing skills you taught me in interesting ways!

(Seriously, my sophomore year English teacher's name was Mr. Gaylord. He had a wooden foot and he cursed a lot. He started out the year by saying "I've heard all the jokes, and I don't wanna hear any goddamn new ones.")

[~kev~]

Originally Posted by Scuzzy

For those of you who would want to know... If you know you're going to vomit and are fighting it

Just stick your finger down your throat and get it over with. Or, if your friend needs to vomit, step up, stick your finger down their throat and do the deed for them.

Whats a little vomit between friends?

Just be sure to wash your hands with warm water and lots of soap afterwards.

[Etzell]

I understand how you feel, Ihmhi... I hate puking.

[KubeDawg]

This happened to me recently too. Except my situation was followed by me shitting water at least 20 times over the next 2 days. I feel for ya man. Throwing up sucks. It's better when you're drunk, cause you don't feel it till the next morning. Try going to sleep/work the next day after doin that shit.

Also, never throw up in the sink. That is the quickest way to clog that shit. I had chunks of little smokies and rotel from my superbowl party in there.... God that was the most rancid shit I'd ever smelled in my life.

Best thing to eat is saltines, they soak up some of the stomach acid, and can prevent a repeat of barfing.
Hope you're feelin better soon.

[Ihmhi]

No, the thing is... it wasn't that bad. It was like... chucking up chunks of ground meat. One two three four done. A little bit of gagging after the fact but nothing more beyond that.

I'm mainly pissed because my record of 11 years has been shattered! Now I have to start counting again. ):<

Oh well, at least I'll have this thread as an easy reference in the future.

[Player]

Ten years for me, and I am hoping it goes on for a long, long time! The last time I vomited it looked a bit like Weetabix!LOL

If I do ever get the queasies, I make some super strong ginger / mint tea and make a mixed fruit juice / smoooothy with honey; I only eat plant-rich soups throughout the day, and I sit down in a darkened room and listen to some classical music. But then again, that is what I do pretty much every day :P

I also take a lot of steps throughout my day-to-day routine to avoid possible causes (I don't eat much meat (food poisoning!); I rarely touch my face and public objects (door handles etc) and so on and so forth!)

[Backstaber]

New Years day had me barfing most of the day. I agree. It sucks a lot.

[Ihmhi]

I had literally... 45 seconds before it clicked in my head what was going on.

I mean, imagine you didn't poop for 10 years, and you start to feel a warm sensation in your butt... what could that be? OH SHI-

[BumGravy]

protip: its physically impossible to vomit if you are smiling

[Iggy]

Rob, my friend....... that was fucking great!! I'm serious!! Very well written! I bow to you, good sir.... for giving me the second best laugh I've had this week.

And getting a full laugh out of me isn't easy.... you've done well!

[Demasu]

If anyone ever asks you what you're proud of, tell them this, "I didn't throw up for 11 years straight. Such a shame it couldn't have been longer..." and trail off there at the end. If anyone asks something like, "Why? What happened?" Simply look at them, completely serious, and tell them your stomach exploded. Never mind that you couldn't really be telling them that if it actually happened, but never lose the serious look. See how many people believe it, and report back here.

[Backstaber]

Originally Posted by Demasu

If anyone ever asks you what you're proud of, tell them this, "I didn't throw up for 11 years straight. Such a shame it couldn't have been longer..." and trail off there at the end. If anyone asks something like, "Why? What happened?" Simply look at them, completely serious, and tell them your stomach exploded. Never mind that you couldn't really be telling them that if it actually happened, but never lose the serious look. See how many people believe it, and report back here.

Do it!!!

[greenday5494]

sounds good

[Ihmhi]

I'm glad you liked it Iggy.

Another several hundred good stories like this and I could write a book on par with http://www.amazon.com/Random-Thoughts-Diseased-Mind-Dummies/dp/1425919782/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1235037944&sr=8-1.

[xks]

Ihmhi I completely understand where you're coming from.

I lost my record last year after around fourteen years.

I am no fan of being sick and back when I was younger I always disliked it, I made sure to eat carefully and avoid doing things that might result in throwing up. I developed various ways to calm myself down if I felt like I was going to throw up and I seemed capable to kind of stop myself from getting too close to the point of no return so to speak.

My record ended after a night of poker in which I drank far too much Lamb's Navy Rum (with various mixers) without realising as I was concentrating on the game. I felt rough and sat down after the game and started to feel ok so I stood up - big mistake. That made things far worse and off to the bathroom I went knowing my record would fall and dreading the enevitable.

Ten months after that (a few weeks ago) I got really sick and ended up throwing up again, which is the first time I've been properly ill-sick for more than fourteen years. That felt a whole lot worse than the drunk sick really, it feels different when you're drunk

Just talking about all this makes me feel sick!

[Player]

There are only two things that make me feel as though I am about to vomit: watching someone vomit (in real life; seeing it on television has no affect), and imagining drinking / eating spoilt, rotten milk...