Can you 'get too close' to your girlfriend?

o_foxtrick · 07-07-2006, 10:13 PM

This aint a joke thread, heh

Though I'm sure jokes will flow now.

My gf lives about 80 minutes by car and about 3 hours house to house via commuting.

We've been going out almost five months now, and I'm her first steady boyfriend. Shes a great, completely naturist, caring & caring person, that I really love. But shes one of those girls that ie if shes unhappy she cant eat and so makes herself ill. I know that if anything happened between us, that'd be the case especially. She even slightly has breathing problems now and again, very slight. But its enough for her to say something when it happens. She even almost fainted on me once whilst passing me.

Anyway, I accept alot of that as just how alot of teenage girls are. I mean shes 17, I'm 24(a gap I know). Today though, I had a bad hangover, and was feeling very nauseas(sp?) so couldnt travel to see her. We had planned to spend Fri-Sun together, an extra day from the usual Saturday-Sunday. So I told her, and she got really upset, and said she'd get ill and stuff. I know she didnt mean to put me under a sort of emotional blackmail but she has. I feel pressured now that her health is largely dependant on me. I mean I have every intention of travelling to see her tomorrow til Sunday.

Don't get me wrong, we are really in love you know, but I have some of my own problems I'm trying to get past, mainly settling down to a whole new routine of life in general that I'm finding scary.

I just don't know what to do. I just know I don't need the pressure and worry of upsetting her if and when I can't see her.

Any suggestions or advice be great, shes the kind of girl that goes to a school like 30 mins bus ride away, so she doesnt have that many friends she sees often. I basically make her weekends for her, otherwise shes with her family.

It's actually making my heart break thinking about it all, to be honest. I don't want to break up with her. Yet I don't want to be a bad guy and put distance between us, I just want her to be independant. My life would be alot easier knowing shes happy doing her thing.

o_qwertyuiop · 07-07-2006, 10:23 PM

Why did you drink a bunch the night before you were supposed to go over to her house? That was not wise.

o_foxtrick · 07-07-2006, 10:30 PM

Not something I usually do, especially on a thursday, and I thought I'd be alright

o_|404|innoc-tpf- · 07-07-2006, 10:41 PM

at 39 and having been dating again for about 3 years (1.5 years with current GF) I will not travel to date....period. I have done it but there's enough pressure on relationships to throw distance and travel issues into it. Some people can do it...more power to them. Not me. Current GF owns a house that is about 12 road miles from me and she's the one who travels most.

Edit: I do not believe what you're describing is healthy and it's a dangerous "co-dependent" condition that would be addressed asap were I in your shoes...but then I have a few more years of experience under my belt too.

Someone has to be happy on their own...not "because" of someone else. If you're not happy on your own how can you really be happy with someone else?

o_imbrifer · 07-07-2006, 10:52 PM

It takes time, will and opportunity to become happily independent. I feel that you and her should be able to talk about it and work on it, but unless its really really getting to you I wouldn't consider breaking up as an option. Tell her what you told us - that you don't want to be worried about her health when you need to take some time on your own, and that she shouldn't be worried about your committment during that time. Relationships change over time because people change over time. She'll grow, you'll grow, together you'll deal with the problems each of you has independently and together, and you'll both be better for it.

With modern relationships, people usually forget that everyone has different personalities and quirks and that these are things to be worked with, not reasons to terminate relationships (unless things are unbearable).

**mervaka** · 07-08-2006, 12:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by |404|Innoc-TPF-

If you're not happy on your own how can you really be happy with someone else?

qft.

sounds a bit harsh, but she needs to grow up and stop being clingy.

o_docwolfe · 07-08-2006, 12:41 AM

If your too close to a girlfriend then it can ruin all other relationships around you... friends, family etc.

When I was at university, me and my friends observed something that we came to term "first love syndrome" basically its the first person you actuall fall in love with and you end up spending way too much time together which is destructive for you and your partner and everyone else around you.

Basically the only thing you can think about is this girl and you spend all your time either at hers or at yours or doing something together. Doing this makes your friends feel alienated- your friends cant really approach your girlfriend as a friend as they dont them at all and you cant appraoch your girlfriends friends as you dont know them.

You end up having arguements with your mates, rifts appear... and then before you know it you and your girlfriend suddenly fall out of love heartbreak ensues but then your left a problem you need to seriously apologise to your mates and hope they will take you back, as you've discarded them for so long.

This happened to me, and almost all my mates, just before or during university, I mean you learn from your mistakes and it has never happened since. You just have to balance it and your girlfriend has to understand this regardless of how much bitching they give you etc.

**mervaka** · 07-08-2006, 12:47 AM

ha. my mates all have long term gf's, and they spend waaay too much time just bumming around at each others houses doing jack shit. it really does fuck me off sometimes being the only single one of the lot of us. on the other hand though, i enjoy my freedom, and my money

o_qbaler · 07-08-2006, 05:56 AM

ya im gonna agree with what everyone else said.. it isn't healthy to be put in that position. A friend of mine was in a relationship with an unstable girl who he felt was suicidal so he was sorta trapped.. Obviously its not that serious in your case but its along the same lines. Try and help her through it or maybe she should find someone who she can talk to about it to help her through it.

Also doc, your 100% right about that first love syndrome.. happened to a friend of mine and me and my girl are trying not to let it happen to us. We hang out a crap load but we both have our own lives.

May I recommend "Hold on Loosely" by .38 Special

o_mooga · 07-08-2006, 05:58 AM

How about DATING SOMEONE YOUR AGE!?
Ever think of the maturity involved in dating?
She's 17. That means she's probably still in highschool.
Your 24. Your probably DONE with college!

If you really "love her," you shouldn't be dating her. Let her grow up. With 7 years between you, LET HER GROW UP. Let her be the teen she should be. You are giving her many problems that you and her aren't seeing.

o_yorin · 07-08-2006, 07:01 AM

I don't really get how you not seeing her on friday threatens her health? you say she starts to eat a lot, but in what way does she threaten her health?

o_backstaber · 07-08-2006, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yorin

I don't really get how you not seeing her on friday threatens her health? you say she starts to eat a lot, but in what way does she threaten her health?

Quote:

she cant eat

You didn't read it ...

o_qui · 07-08-2006, 09:28 AM

Quote:

So I told her, and she got really upset, and said she'd get ill and stuff. I know she didnt mean to put me under a sort of emotional blackmail but she has.

Sounds like a bitch :P

Honestly though, people like her can sometimes be helped by giving them a good dose of reality. Sorry love, youre not going to get your own way in life all the time, learn to deal with it.

She cant spend her life like that and the sooner she realises that the better. If she cant sort herself out, she needs help, and im serious.

o_|404|innoc-tpf- · 07-08-2006, 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mooga

How about DATING SOMEONE YOUR AGE!?
Ever think of the maturity involved in dating?
She's 17. That means she's probably still in highschool.
Your 24. Your probably DONE with college!

If you really "love her," you shouldn't be dating her. Let her grow up. With 7 years between you, LET HER GROW UP. Let her be the teen she should be. You are giving her many problems that you and her aren't seeing.

absolutely right. 7 years is an age canyon at those ages. Even at my age I'd be reticent to date someone 7 years younger. Why? Because even in your 30's there is a boatload of changing that the vast majority of women go through.

o_yomamashouse · 07-08-2006, 02:43 PM

That was horrible of her,you are so nice and she didint show you any leniancy. I would say you should try dating someone who is more mature.

o_lithium · 07-08-2006, 11:25 PM

Well , my GF is apparently sickly nuts , just like i am , weeee. All is fine, sex is awesome , and i could go and skydive into a rainbow.

o_mooga · 07-09-2006, 05:14 AM

It should be noted that we havn't even mentioned the LEGAL problems with a 24 year old guy dating a 17 year old chick...

o_broodingdude · 07-09-2006, 06:45 AM

Huh... She's old enough to realize the 'emotional blackmail'. The problem lies in your age difference. This is a maturity issue. If she is deliberately soliciting negativity then I suggest you evaluate, then re-evaluate. The conclusions I came to is simply that she either has family problems and wants to escape (not unreasonable... but using someone that is supposed to share a special connection, is), in which case you may need to either investigate or distance yourself from, or there is one hell of a lot more to this story. Bear in mind that I have no idea where you are from, and what the 'Age of Consent' law is. If it's 18 and up, you need to break it off, quickly... regardless of any emotional feelings. If she is truly how you say she is, she will understand. If not, it boils down to maturity, doesn't it?

Moral: Nothing is as it seems.

o_qui · 07-09-2006, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mooga

It should be noted that we havn't even mentioned the LEGAL problems with a 24 year old guy dating a 17 year old chick...

Absolutely none in the UK

o_yomamashouse · 07-09-2006, 02:34 PM

In Canada and the Us i think it is consent is useless if the person is under 18 and you are not within 3 years of that age. So 24 + 17 = Troouble if you get jiggy.

07-07-2006, 10:13 PM	#1
o_foxtrick Join Date: May 2006 Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	Can you 'get too close' to your girlfriend? This aint a joke thread, heh Though I'm sure jokes will flow now. My gf lives about 80 minutes by car and about 3 hours house to house via commuting. We've been going out almost five months now, and I'm her first steady boyfriend. Shes a great, completely naturist, caring & caring person, that I really love. But shes one of those girls that ie if shes unhappy she cant eat and so makes herself ill. I know that if anything happened between us, that'd be the case especially. She even slightly has breathing problems now and again, very slight. But its enough for her to say something when it happens. She even almost fainted on me once whilst passing me. Anyway, I accept alot of that as just how alot of teenage girls are. I mean shes 17, I'm 24(a gap I know). Today though, I had a bad hangover, and was feeling very nauseas(sp?) so couldnt travel to see her. We had planned to spend Fri-Sun together, an extra day from the usual Saturday-Sunday. So I told her, and she got really upset, and said she'd get ill and stuff. I know she didnt mean to put me under a sort of emotional blackmail but she has. I feel pressured now that her health is largely dependant on me. I mean I have every intention of travelling to see her tomorrow til Sunday. Don't get me wrong, we are really in love you know, but I have some of my own problems I'm trying to get past, mainly settling down to a whole new routine of life in general that I'm finding scary. I just don't know what to do. I just know I don't need the pressure and worry of upsetting her if and when I can't see her. Any suggestions or advice be great, shes the kind of girl that goes to a school like 30 mins bus ride away, so she doesnt have that many friends she sees often. I basically make her weekends for her, otherwise shes with her family. It's actually making my heart break thinking about it all, to be honest. I don't want to break up with her. Yet I don't want to be a bad guy and put distance between us, I just want her to be independant. My life would be alot easier knowing shes happy doing her thing.

07-08-2006, 12:47 AM	#8
mervaka A Very Sound Guy! Fortress Forever Staff Join Date: May 2005 Location: UK Posts Rated Helpful 15 Times	ha. my mates all have long term gf's, and they spend waaay too much time just bumming around at each others houses doing jack shit. it really does fuck me off sometimes being the only single one of the lot of us. on the other hand though, i enjoy my freedom, and my money __________________ Support FF:

07-07-2006, 10:23 PM	#2
o_qwertyuiop Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: The Shrine of Alwaysoff Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	Why did you drink a bunch the night before you were supposed to go over to her house? That was not wise.

07-07-2006, 10:30 PM	#3
o_foxtrick Join Date: May 2006 Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	Not something I usually do, especially on a thursday, and I thought I'd be alright

07-07-2006, 10:41 PM	#4
o_\|404\|innoc-tpf- Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: The Midtown Express Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	at 39 and having been dating again for about 3 years (1.5 years with current GF) I will not travel to date....period. I have done it but there's enough pressure on relationships to throw distance and travel issues into it. Some people can do it...more power to them. Not me. Current GF owns a house that is about 12 road miles from me and she's the one who travels most. Edit: I do not believe what you're describing is healthy and it's a dangerous "co-dependent" condition that would be addressed asap were I in your shoes...but then I have a few more years of experience under my belt too. Someone has to be happy on their own...not "because" of someone else. If you're not happy on your own how can you really be happy with someone else?

07-07-2006, 10:52 PM	#5
o_imbrifer Join Date: May 2005 Location: Changes every few months Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	It takes time, will and opportunity to become happily independent. I feel that you and her should be able to talk about it and work on it, but unless its really really getting to you I wouldn't consider breaking up as an option. Tell her what you told us - that you don't want to be worried about her health when you need to take some time on your own, and that she shouldn't be worried about your committment during that time. Relationships change over time because people change over time. She'll grow, you'll grow, together you'll deal with the problems each of you has independently and together, and you'll both be better for it. With modern relationships, people usually forget that everyone has different personalities and quirks and that these are things to be worked with, not reasons to terminate relationships (unless things are unbearable).

07-08-2006, 12:41 AM	#7
o_docwolfe Join Date: May 2005 Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne, England Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	If your too close to a girlfriend then it can ruin all other relationships around you... friends, family etc. When I was at university, me and my friends observed something that we came to term "first love syndrome" basically its the first person you actuall fall in love with and you end up spending way too much time together which is destructive for you and your partner and everyone else around you. Basically the only thing you can think about is this girl and you spend all your time either at hers or at yours or doing something together. Doing this makes your friends feel alienated- your friends cant really approach your girlfriend as a friend as they dont them at all and you cant appraoch your girlfriends friends as you dont know them. You end up having arguements with your mates, rifts appear... and then before you know it you and your girlfriend suddenly fall out of love heartbreak ensues but then your left a problem you need to seriously apologise to your mates and hope they will take you back, as you've discarded them for so long. This happened to me, and almost all my mates, just before or during university, I mean you learn from your mistakes and it has never happened since. You just have to balance it and your girlfriend has to understand this regardless of how much bitching they give you etc.

07-08-2006, 05:56 AM	#9
o_qbaler Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Boston Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	ya im gonna agree with what everyone else said.. it isn't healthy to be put in that position. A friend of mine was in a relationship with an unstable girl who he felt was suicidal so he was sorta trapped.. Obviously its not that serious in your case but its along the same lines. Try and help her through it or maybe she should find someone who she can talk to about it to help her through it. Also doc, your 100% right about that first love syndrome.. happened to a friend of mine and me and my girl are trying not to let it happen to us. We hang out a crap load but we both have our own lives. May I recommend "Hold on Loosely" by .38 Special

07-08-2006, 05:58 AM	#10
o_mooga Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: A Small Box Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	How about DATING SOMEONE YOUR AGE!? Ever think of the maturity involved in dating? She's 17. That means she's probably still in highschool. Your 24. Your probably DONE with college! If you really "love her," you shouldn't be dating her. Let her grow up. With 7 years between you, LET HER GROW UP. Let her be the teen she should be. You are giving her many problems that you and her aren't seeing.

07-08-2006, 07:01 AM	#11
o_yorin Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Netherlands Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	I don't really get how you not seeing her on friday threatens her health? you say she starts to eat a lot, but in what way does she threaten her health?

07-08-2006, 02:43 PM	#15
o_yomamashouse Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Your Mamas House Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	That was horrible of her,you are so nice and she didint show you any leniancy. I would say you should try dating someone who is more mature.

07-08-2006, 11:25 PM	#16
o_lithium Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	Well , my GF is apparently sickly nuts , just like i am , weeee. All is fine, sex is awesome , and i could go and skydive into a rainbow.

07-09-2006, 05:14 AM	#17
o_mooga Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: A Small Box Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	It should be noted that we havn't even mentioned the LEGAL problems with a 24 year old guy dating a 17 year old chick...

07-09-2006, 06:45 AM	#18
o_broodingdude Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Hawaii Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	Huh... She's old enough to realize the 'emotional blackmail'. The problem lies in your age difference. This is a maturity issue. If she is deliberately soliciting negativity then I suggest you evaluate, then re-evaluate. The conclusions I came to is simply that she either has family problems and wants to escape (not unreasonable... but using someone that is supposed to share a special connection, is), in which case you may need to either investigate or distance yourself from, or there is one hell of a lot more to this story. Bear in mind that I have no idea where you are from, and what the 'Age of Consent' law is. If it's 18 and up, you need to break it off, quickly... regardless of any emotional feelings. If she is truly how you say she is, she will understand. If not, it boils down to maturity, doesn't it? Moral: Nothing is as it seems.

07-09-2006, 02:34 PM	#20
o_yomamashouse Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Your Mamas House Posts Rated Helpful 0 Times	In Canada and the Us i think it is consent is useless if the person is under 18 and you are not within 3 years of that age. So 24 + 17 = Troouble if you get jiggy.

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