ITT We tell Jokes (digest your last meal 1st kthxbye)

[Circuitous]

Which is probably the intended punchline that Lost forgot.

[Lost]

Yeah, they are sort of lacking, I just skimmed em and posted.

I like Etzells line though, I think I'll add it.

Ok ok, I'll make up for it, here's a good one. And I promise to read them better from now on.

________________________

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."

[Lost]

Heh, some Stephen Lynch makes everything seem OK.

Maybe not safe for work though, he he. Language.

[Lost]

In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was
bigger than the rest of it.

After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head
was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Yale decided to do their own. After
$250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was
to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Mississippi State, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own
study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that
it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the
forehead.

[o_geokill----->]

lol Nice one

[o_|404|innoc-tpf-]

The Chili Contest



The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the west coast.


Frank: “ Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured, by the other two judges (Native Texans), that the Chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me, I could have all the beer for free during the tasting. So, I accepted”. Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1 Mike’s Manic Mobster Chile

Judge # 1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing Kick
Judge # 2 – nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 – (Frank) Holy S**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove the dried paint from your driveway with this. Took me two beers to put out the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!



Chile # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 – Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 – Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 – Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili

Judge # 1 – Excellent Firehouse Chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 – A bean less Chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 – Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting s**t-faced from all the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge # 1 – Black bean Chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a Chili.
Judge # 3 – I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills of beer. That 300 pound bitch is starting to look HOT….just like nuclear waste that I’m eating! Is Chili an aphrodisiac?!


Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal lip Remover

Judge # 1 – Meaty, strong Chili. Cayenne pepper freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 – Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming
“ screw the rednecks”.




Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onion, and garlic. Superb
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through my pants and the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier that I thought. I can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rectum with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 – A mediocre Chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 – Ho hum, tasted as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I worried about judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, and pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is cover with Chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like s**t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my chest.

Chili # 8 Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend Chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 – This final entry is a good, balance Chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the Chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d react to really hot Chili

[o_|404|innoc-tpf-]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong."

[Lost]

Hahaha, that was a nice one. Since this thread has been resurrected, I'll dig up some more.

[Lost]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh"
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law"
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself"
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English!!!

[Lost]

Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents
had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled
him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look
on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went
straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. This
went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand
what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid
it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great
trepidation, his Mom looked at it, and to her great surprise, little
Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went
to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't
fucking around......."

[o_bumgravy]

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."

i have this on one of my t-shirts. its great to wear when really drunk.

[o_geokill----->]

lol

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh"
--Conan O'Brien

and the Jewish kid one lol

[o_|404|innoc-tpf-]

An Arkansas mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband,"What is a specimen?" He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."

The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband.

"Danged if I know." she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was, and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug, and then all hell broke loose

[o_loader]

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irish man were being chased by the police. They quickly ran in an empty warehouse and saw three empty crates on the floor, they each jumped in one of thier own.

The police came in a while later. The sergent walked upto the first crate and kicked it.

"WOOOF!" shouted the english man

"Don't worry lads, it's only a crate of dogs" the sergent explained. He proceded to the next crate and gave it a kick.

"Meow!" shouted the scotsman

"Don't worry lads, it's only a crate of cats" he sergent explained. He proceded to the next crate and gave it a kick.

"POTATOES!" cried the irish man...

[o_|404|innoc-tpf-]

Originally Posted by Loader

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irish man were being chased by the police. They quickly ran in an empty warehouse and saw three empty crates on the floor, they each jumped in one of thier own.

The police came in a while later. The sergent walked upto the first crate and kicked it.

"WOOOF!" shouted the english man

"Don't worry lads, it's only a crate of dogs" the sergent explained. He proceded to the next crate and gave it a kick.

"Meow!" shouted the scotsman

"Don't worry lads, it's only a crate of cats" he sergent explained. He proceded to the next crate and gave it a kick.

"POTATOES!" cried the irish man...

I originally heard that as a brunette, a redhead and a blond...

[o_geokill----->]

hahah Dumb Irish

[o_loader]

Two parrots were sat on a perch, one said to the other "do you smell fish?"

--------------

Two cows were in a field, one said to the other

Cow 1: "hey mate, you hear about that mad cow disease?"

Cow 2: "Yeah I did, not to worry, im a duck"

--------------

Two cows were in a field, one said to the other

Cow 1: "hey mate, you hear about that mad cow disease?"

Cow 2: "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING COW"

[o_loader]

Englishman, Irishman and a scotsman walking in the desert. After hours of walking the englishman trips over a lamp.

"Holy crap! You think it's magic?"

He rubs it and a genie pops out.

"I GRANT YOU THREE WISHES, ONE EACH" says the genie.

The englishman says "I wanna go home to my wife and kids, I miss them"

*POP* he disapeared

The scotsman goes next "I want to be in the pub back in scotland!"

*POP* he disapeared

The irishman says "I'm lonely, please bring them back"

[o_loader]

Englishman, Irishman and a scotsman walking in the desert. After hours of walking the englishman spots an abandoned caravan.

"Quick guys lets grab some stuff!" says the scotsman

They run over to it and the englishman grabs a water bottle.

"if i get too hot, ill drink this water"

the scotsman runs over and grabs a fan

"If i get too hot, ill wave this fan!"

the irshman runs over, rips the door off the caravan.

"If i get too hot i'll just wind down the window"

[o_geokill----->]

The irishman says "I'm lonely, please bring them back"

lol

"If i get too hot i'll just wind down the window"

Where do get these dumb Irish men jokes?