ITT We tell Jokes (digest your last meal 1st kthxbye)

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There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

[o_puppychow]

boy im glad i read this while eating lunch!

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Originally Posted by puppychow

boy im glad i read this while eating lunch!

I edited the thread title just for you man!

[o_puppychow]

well done..if that saves just one lunch - just one, then it was all worth it.


btw, i like reading these, but cant we get a single joke sticky?

[o_frenchtoast]

It's been tried but people seem to object.

[Lost]

Aight, lets que em up then, see how long it lasts.

Here's a few to start us off with.

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

One little girl began, "My father's a farmer and we have lots of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a huge mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket".

"Very good," said the teacher.

Another little girl raised her hand. "Our family are farmers too but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks."

"What's the moral of the story?" the teacher asked.

"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That's a fine story" said the teacher.

A little boy at the back of the class is waving his arm wildly.

"Yes, do you have a story to share with us?"

"Yes Ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Julie. Aunt Julie was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over ememy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machette. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 ememy troops!

She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of ammo. Then she killed 20 more with the machette till the blade broke. And then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands!"

"Good heavens!" exclaimed the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the *#@# away from Aunt Julie when she's been drinking."

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Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"

"67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.

"If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.

"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.

Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot *******?"

Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge!"

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Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer.
A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of The engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."


Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710

[Circuitous]

The funny thing? Actually happened to my dad.

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Originally Posted by Circuitous

The funny thing? Actually happened to my dad.

Your Dad went looking for some 710 for his car?

[Circuitous]

No, a woman came into AutoZone asking about a 710 cap while he was on shift.

[Lost]

Hahahaha, I've seen it happen too... Some people shouldn't be allowed to own complex machinery, a friend of the family had my dad fix their Buick after the engine croaked, they had no idea why. When he opened the engine, he found 120,000 miles worth of oil burned into the pan. They had never changed the oil once in 3 or 4 years, just added some when they thought it needed it.

Anyway, here's some more.

__________________________________________________ ________

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."



Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about
Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba
and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and
sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise
was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yep," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off
they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and
his
boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope
a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among
all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the
balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.



Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him,"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,
"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

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The Chili Contest



The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the west coast.


Frank: “ Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured, by the other two judges (Native Texans), that the Chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me, I could have all the beer for free during the tasting. So, I accepted”. Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1 Mike’s Manic Mobster Chile

Judge # 1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing Kick
Judge # 2 – nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 – (Frank) Holy S**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove the dried paint from your driveway with this. Took me two beers to put out the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!



Chile # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 – Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 – Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 – Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili

Judge # 1 – Excellent Firehouse Chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 – A bean less Chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 – Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting s**t-faced from all the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge # 1 – Black bean Chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a Chili.
Judge # 3 – I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills of beer. That 300 pound bitch is starting to look HOT….just like nuclear waste that I’m eating! Is Chili an aphrodisiac?!


Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal lip Remover

Judge # 1 – Meaty, strong Chili. Cayenne pepper freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 – Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming
“ screw the rednecks”.




Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onion, and garlic. Superb
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through my pants and the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier that I thought. I can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rectum with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 – A mediocre Chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 – Ho hum, tasted as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I worried about judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, and pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is cover with Chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like s**t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my chest.

Chili # 8 Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend Chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 – This final entry is a good, balance Chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the Chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d react to really hot Chili

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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong."

[Lost]

Hahaha, that was a nice one. Since this thread has been resurrected, I'll dig up some more.

[Lost]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh"
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law"
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself"
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English!!!

[Lost]

Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents
had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled
him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look
on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went
straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. This
went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand
what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid
it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great
trepidation, his Mom looked at it, and to her great surprise, little
Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went
to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't
fucking around......."

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Yeah this is an old one but if a couple people smile then reposting was worth it.

Airplane Repairs

Just in case you need a “smile for the day” Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one (reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs).

After every flight, Qantas (Australia's major airline) pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Circuitous]

Okay those are fabulous. Thank you for sharing.

[Innoc]

Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one
day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Mick a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right smack in
the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the
kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,
and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table.Now his girlfriend is furious and
her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain. Mick remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"