(Parrot) End of an Era...

[Ihmhi]

Ladies and gentlemen, today marks the sad day of an 11 year personal legacy of mine. No matter how low I fell, how sick I had managed to get myself, I had this one wonderful thing to be proud of, and now it's gone.

Today I threw up.

Now I know most of you are immediately thinking "Ihmhi has finally fucking snapped, quick, into the bomb shelters!" Anyone who has known me long enough or met me in person knows that the last vestiges of my sanity were swept away by the great unicorn uprising of '99. (They defeated the sugar pixies, but they lost some of their greatest men including King Pointyhead.)

Flashback: I was sick. 12 years old, or so. I had that violent, entire-body-is-moving-like-a-snake kind of vomiting. Stomach acid tickling my uvula, the whole nine yards.

As I sat there drinking a huge cup of water, I thought to myself - I don't want to ever vomit again. I know, childish promise - especially considering the lure of alcohol and various other foods with questionable expiration dates in my future - but I made it anyway.

8 or 9 years later, it hit me. I could feel the tingle in my throat. It was coming any second, and... and... I held it in. By my own will or by the grace of some supernatural force, I held it in. I meditated and calmed myself down, and my mind thought nothing of it.

Then, this morning came. I went to sleep at 3:00AM with a healthy alarm time of 12:00 noon set for myself. I hadn't eaten much the night before, but what the hey. At 7:45AM (Eastern Time, for the curious), I woke up with a really, really bad headache. I came downstairs and took some tylenol. My stomach was also feelin' rumbly, so I knocked back a couple of tums.

I sit down and smoke a cigarette as I watch crappy morning television. Conan O'Brien's last show? Damn it, I wanted to see him before that loveable Irish giant moved to California. Hey, Bob Barker signing the shirts of some fans! (Quote from that interview from Bob: "I wish my name was longer.") I grabbed a portuguese roll and decided to get something in my stomach before going back to sleep.

A few minutes of wonderous peace passed by. Nicotine and acetaminophen coursed throughout my body. Then, a tickle at the back of my throat. "My Stomach doesn't feel so great now, even though I ate," I thought. My insides felt like Jeff Foxworthy trying to teach Margeret Cho how to breakdance. "Is this what I think this could be...?"

No.

Oh no.

Oh no no no no no.

Fight it, Ihmhi. You can hold it in. You can HOLD. IT. IN. Years of training (thanks to alcoholism and many a Chinese buffet) came flooding to the forefront of my mind! Slow your heart rate. Slow your breathing. Calm down.

But it was too late.

Urp.

It started as a burp. An innocent little "hup" kind of sound, like I had just drank some seltzer water.

Blorp.

Now I could feel it coming up. I started walking slowly and calmly to the bathroom.

GLORP.

Now I was holding my hand over my mouth, hopelessly trying to contain this morning's breakfast with my one hand. Fuck calm, I hauled ass to the John. Can I get the toilet seat up? What kind of asshole in a house with three guys in it puts the goddamned seat all the way down? (Oh yeah, I do.) Nope. Next best thing, next best thing... SINK!

*BLARGH*

It wasn't even one of those impressive ones where you're brought to your knees, wishing for relief or death - whichever may come first. No, it was like someone took a roll of cookie doe and squeezed it too hard.

*RAWRGH* *plop*

Oh man, this sucks. This really

*BLURK* *HURRGH*

And in under a minute, it was over. The bathroom sink looked like someone lit a M-80 and shoved it up the Pillsbury Doughboy's ass. There was... something on the mirror. My dad's cup? Well, that shit started empty this morning. Now it had some mix of Tylenol, Tums, and bread in it.

I finally stopped. Here I stand, a man of 23 years, defeated. I looked at myself in the mirror, a single tear streaming down my face. Was it a biological reaction, or was I lamenting my defeat - my broken record - at the hands of my own body? I started cleaning up. As I stood there, bubbles scrubbing away the remnants of my stomach, only one thing occured to me:

So far, I've gone 30 minutes without barfing.

[~kev~]

Boys and girls, let this be a lesson to you - wash your hands before you eat.

Ihmhi, a real friend will let you borrow their finger to help you out.

[Scuzzy]

For those of you who would want to know... If you know you're going to vomit and are fighting it and want it to be over in the best possible way, drink a large glass of very warm water very quickly. 1) It will completely dilute the acid and crap in your stomach so you have less chucks sticking around. 2) You'll vomit almost immediately. It's an old nursing trick, and it works VERY well. Great thing for your kids that you know are suffering with a bad stomach.

Scuzzy

[Skanky Butterpuss]

tl;dr

[Ihmhi]

Originally Posted by Skanky Butterpuss

tl;dr

Summary: I threw up and wrote a short story about it.

See, Mr. Gaylord? I'm applying those creative writing skills you taught me in interesting ways!

(Seriously, my sophomore year English teacher's name was Mr. Gaylord. He had a wooden foot and he cursed a lot. He started out the year by saying "I've heard all the jokes, and I don't wanna hear any goddamn new ones.")

[KubeDawg]

This happened to me recently too. Except my situation was followed by me shitting water at least 20 times over the next 2 days. I feel for ya man. Throwing up sucks. It's better when you're drunk, cause you don't feel it till the next morning. Try going to sleep/work the next day after doin that shit.

Also, never throw up in the sink. That is the quickest way to clog that shit. I had chunks of little smokies and rotel from my superbowl party in there.... God that was the most rancid shit I'd ever smelled in my life.

Best thing to eat is saltines, they soak up some of the stomach acid, and can prevent a repeat of barfing.
Hope you're feelin better soon.

[~kev~]

Originally Posted by Scuzzy

For those of you who would want to know... If you know you're going to vomit and are fighting it

Just stick your finger down your throat and get it over with. Or, if your friend needs to vomit, step up, stick your finger down their throat and do the deed for them.

Whats a little vomit between friends?

Just be sure to wash your hands with warm water and lots of soap afterwards.

[Etzell]

I understand how you feel, Ihmhi... I hate puking.